If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
