ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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