I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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