just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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