If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
