The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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