last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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