My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
