you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
