he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I pour the whiskey from now on
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
