Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Drunk is not a location!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
