dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
