I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
two words...techno handjob
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You can't just leave with hair like that
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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