Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Boobs are out for the taking
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
