OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
she told me i tasted like america
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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