I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
