His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
