Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
