update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
