Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
