Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
