I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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