so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
