I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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