Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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