for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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