I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
