Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
