the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
