He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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