I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
