u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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