Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He felt like a one man threesome
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
