Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
