Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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