I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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