I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My butt remains clenched, sir.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
