i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize