Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize