I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
