WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
