All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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