I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize