So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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