Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
