If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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