WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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