I will die if light touches me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
