I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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