The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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