You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize