i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize