I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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