my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Too much gin, very little bucket
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
