I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
