I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
