Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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